24

Last year I was super excited to turn 23. It was crazy and also seemed very simple. You are living your life to the fullest and the years are passing by. You just enjoy them. But what I later realized is that growing up is not that easy. It is not the easiest thing to be responsible – for your life, for your behavior, for your attitude, for what you say and what you write.

I was a young girl – smart, witty and as some people pointed out – “talented”. I was on top of the world having so called best friends, crazy parties, a “trendy” job and cool projects; also a broken heart and deep, extremely deep wounds that I carried inside me.

At some point it was obvious with my lifestyle, that I was burnt out and lost. I quit my job. I underwent a long journey through the desert back to my roots. I saw my relatives and found myself in the process of a self-identification. I finally understood what simplicity meant. I came back with a clear heart and a clear mind. And suddenly I removed all the unnecessary people and situations from my life. Only the ones who care about me are now here by my side.

The magnificent thing is my niece was born. And with her the return of my brother, who I thought I had lost and wrote about it in last year's ‘I am 23‘ note. And I have found love. There, one late August evening, two people were sitting together on the stairs and having a life changing conversation. Two lost people renewed their faith once more. It was me and my man.

Looking back, I see how pretentious and arrogant I was, taking everything for granted and over estimating my abilities. What I have learned is that you should live a simple life. Simple does not mean simplistic. But it does require being pure in heart and staying true to your roots.

And yes, I am 24.

51

Today, twenty years later, I'm reminiscing about when we had a lot of snow in the early days of my childhood. In the beginning of '90s the USSR has collapsed, and my parents, being ordinary teachers at school, did not have enough money to buy us a sled. They pulled my younger brother and me on the snow in a huge basin. Yes, yes, yes, the one that we used for washing clothes! Being kids, we loved it, we enjoyed it.

Twenty years ago, I tried my first Snickers chocos, Chupa Chups and Kinder Surprise. My parents would buy these things once a month when they received their salary.

17 years ago, I went to school (as they called it "English") and my parents drove me on the bus №94 from the suburbs to the city. The taxi ride was quite a luxury.

Today, twenty years later, I look back and realize that I had a very happy childhood. Even though I dreamed of a Barbie doll (the real one, not Chinese!) and it cost 3000 soums, which was the entire monthly salary of my mom.

Once, a neighbor boy told me – ‘we have two tv‘s, and you have only one. You are poor!‘ I cried to death. My mother told me that we are not poor, we just have one TV. Today with my salary I can buy 10 TV‘s, hundreds of Barbies and thousands of Snickers chocos.

You have to understand, that raising a child was not the easiest thing to do in a former republic of the USSR. My father had to quit his job as a teacher and work in a bank as accountant, counting someone elses money.

I never would have been me, if it weren‘t for my parents.
If it were not for my Mom.
If it weren‘t for my Dad.

I am so grateful for everything that I have. I owe them a lot.

Yes, I did not have a Barbie doll and sled as a kid, but my parents, especially my father, taught me that you have to work hard and be honest with yourself, then you'll achieve everything you want.

Today, my dad turned 51. He will not read this passage. In our family we're not used to showcasing our emotions. And there are the times when I have disagreements with my father. There are also disputes and fights. But he knows that I love him. And I always will.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

***

“Well, we’re all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life, and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.”