Am I 23?

It’s been a good year for me, though I lost many dearest people – my grandfather, who died of heart attack in late August, my brother who got married and now is living his own life, my boyfriend who left me just one month before our wedding, my second boyfriend whom I loved to death, and some friends who just turned out to be strangers when I met them after a few years of their absence.

But they say when you lose, you get something new. I met a lot of fantastic people this year. They’ve been supporting me, making me feel safe, fulfilling me and giving a new meaning to my life. I shared so many joyful moments with them - I laughed, I had fun, I cried, I was so honest and open.

This year I finally saw a sea. It was my biggest dream ever. I went to Istanbul, which had been in my must see list for a long time. I shouted out my voice and danced out my legs at U2 show and lip-synched to ‘New Year’s’ day which is my favorite song. I smoke a cigarette sitting near pier and looking at the sun going down in Bodrum. I felt such a blessing watching sunburned faces of people and their careless whisper in the sunset. I listened to the songs of seagulls and lonely ships.

People I loved broke my heart. I cried many nights. I felt like I was stranded. I felt desperation and pain. But this has given me a great spiritual experience. I witnessed my own rebirth. And I got confidence and strength. And power. And will. And I wrote my best poems. I am happy that I had a wide range of emotions which allowed me to write those sacred letters.

This year I got a new job, I’m so fond of it and very devoted. It gives me a fabulous opportunity to express my thoughts and ideas. Every day I meet so many wonderful people, which is an amazing chance to exchange experiences and cultures and make a mutual contribution.

I’m a little bit sad. I will be missing all that french kisses and musings with Radiohead playing in the background. I’ll be missing the carelessness and innocence I had. But overall, 2010 was a beautiful journey - I explored new worlds and microcosms, I pushed my own boundaries.

But what I really feel is a huge excitement. I don’t know what this year will be about, but I hope I will have all people I love by my side. And I don’t care if it’s pathetic. I’m just 23. With passion in my heart, wind in my hair and light in my soul I’m so fucking happy. Take me as I am.

January 2010